Baseless Theories: The True Meaning of Happiness

Chad White is one happy mofo. By “mofo” I mean mildly obese foreign operator. Yeah, I don’t know either.

Are you happy with your life?

If you answered yes then you’re lying. No one is happy. No one should ever be happy. Neither you nor anybody else has my secret to happiness. Continue reading and I’ll tell you the requirements for happiness.

You’re still here? Good.

Webster’s dictionary defines happiness as “the point where joy overcomes sadness and you feel good every day; life doesn’t suck.*” See that? You can’t say that you have that. At least not yet anyway.  Listen, your life is never complete. And it won’t be until you do something about it. Here’s how:

1.       Get your shit together: This one is a must. How can you say that you’re happy when you’re still disorganized? I mean, just look at your desk. I bet there are papers strewn about, an old mug that was filled with coffee or tea, and some used tissues.  I know what you did.

2.       Be a better person: You know that person you passed while walking to class? The one you looked at then made a face and looked down at your phone? At least say hi. They could be your pimp one day.

3.       Smile: Show them pretty white teeth. A dentist may want to use you as some sort of stand in during a dentist convention. Stranger things have happened.

4.       Wipe: Seriously. This one is very important. Wipe EVERYTHING. The world has different textures. Woah, woah, woah wait a second. What did you think I was talking about, pooping? Oh, grow up.

5.       Dress appropriately: Don’t look like a bum. But don’t dress like a suit. Be who you want to be. I’m not in charge of you…yet.

*Nothing here is actually factual. Well, they could be. I wouldn’t know. I didn’t check. Serves you right for believing me.