How To Spot A Cool Kid (Using the 5 Signs of Coolness)

Chad Kroeber, “cool” expert, definitely not a nerd- who told you that?

Let me throw a quick hypothetical at you: you’re at a bar, scoping out the crowd for a potential new best friend (since your last bff won’t answer your texts anymore), and you don’t wanna waste your time with no chumps. You live in a chump-free bubble where only the coolest of the cool are allowed to abide. How do you spot a “cool guy” as quickly as possible? Well, allow me, Chad Kroeber, expert in coolography (coolology? …coolistics maybe? I don’t know, use whichever one sounds least fake to you), to give you some signs to look for. These are the very signs that helped me just recently find my own cool best friend: Craig. So based on my research, if it’s really a “cool kid”, he’ll be doing all these things:

1)      He’ll be wearing sunglasses

Cool kids always wear sunglasses. Yes, even inside. Especially inside. Sometimes, they won’t even put on their sunglasses until they get inside. My theory is that cool people literally burn their retinas when they gaze upon the uncool, so they wear reflective glasses so the rest of us are painfully aware of our own imperfections that they have to look at all the time.  When I met Craig, he didn’t even acknowledge that he was wearing sunglasses inside, but goddamnit was he rockin’ those shades like nobody’s business.

2)      He’ll have a “pimp” cane

Of all the stick-like things to have in your hands, a cane is the coolest. Period.

“What about an umbrella Chad? Is that cool?”

No, shut the f**k up and stop interrupting. We’re not looking for Marry Poppins, we’re looking for cool kids. When I first met my boy Craig he made sure to tap the ground in front of him with his cane multiple times when he walked into the bar, probably because he was looking for trap doors or something cool like that. Cool guys are always avoiding trap doors. Damn Craig’s cool.

3)      He’ll have an awesome dog

Most people aren’t allowed to bring pets inside of bars, but cool guys like Craig do it all the time. They don’t care about rules; they think rules drool! (do people still say stuff “drools” when it’s lame? Am I out of the loop? I’ll ask Craig later I guess). Plus, cool people’s dogs will always have cool vests and fancy leashes, just to make you feel bad that you’re dressed worse than an animal.

4)      He’ll park in the handicapped spot

Listen up, because this important: COOL PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. Especially about people “beneath” them socially, like babies, nerds, nerd babies, the handicapped, etc. so it would makes sense that they would park in handicap spots, because they don’t care, bro! Craig even had a driver take him to the bar and put his car in the spot for him. I asked Craig about why he had a driver, and he said “because I don’t drive”. How cool is that?!? He’s breaking a driving law without even driving! His car did actually have a handicap sticker, which was kind of strange, but who am I to question Craig? The kid is just cool.

5)      He’ll ignore you and pretend you don’t exist

This is probably the biggest sign that someone is “cool”. I can’t tell you how many times throughout the night Craig ignored my waves and high fives or didn’t even acknowledge me while I was sitting right next to him. Almost like he couldn’t even see me. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen. In fact, he wouldn’t even look at me when I was talking right to him. Just kept rocking his head around like I wasn’t even there. It was great.

Anyways, take it from me and Craig, if you want to find a cool bff, use those 5 signs. You won’t be disappointed.

 

 I tried to get Craig to look at the camera for this picture, but he’s obviously too cool for that. Did I mention sweater vests as another sign of coolness? I should have.

 I tried to get Craig to look at the camera for this picture, but he’s obviously too cool for that. Did I mention sweater vests as another sign of coolness? I should have.