Chad Kroeber, “Hip” Caucasian, Black Culture Expert
Aug 15, 2013
Just to be clear, I am white.
But as you may have noticed I am currently involved in a website with two -count ‘em- TWO black co-founders. That means, as far as you are concerned, I have greater than or equal to two black friends. A “couple” of black friends, if you will. Maybe I have more than two black friends. Maybe all my friends are black. Maybe I have no friends of any race. Who knows? Who can fact check any of these claims really? Not you, my dear reader. Not you.
Anyways, as a practicing white person (renewed my membership last week) this personal association with African American culture makes me extremely qualified to speak on the subject of race relations. And what troubles me most in today’s society as a tolerant brotha-lova* is the spreading of black-facts** in schools across the nation that are just simply not true. For instance:
1) The Consumption of Chocolate Milk as a Child Turns You Black.
Unfortunately, according to my research***, this FALSE fact is still being taught in 72% of elementary schools across the nation. So to anyone who’s been drinking chocolate milk for the past 20 plus years in a desperate attempt to dunk a basketball or grow an afro, give up now. Trust me; I’ve learned this first hand ($6,000 worth of hair picks and 12 pairs of Air Jordans too late). *sigh*
2) Black People Have Rhythm Glands in Their Posteriors.
This one I should have realized was fake a long time ago. I was told this “fact” countless times as a child and only now do I realize how stupid it sounds. I mean a rhythm gland? In their butts?? Ridiculous. A gland that crucial to coordination would have to be MUCH closer to the central nervous system to be effective. It’s much more likely that it’s somewhere in the brain. Scientists believe we’ll know the exact location of the gland sometime around 2018, so until then definitely don’t compliment black women on their dance floor rhythm by slapping them on the ass. They don’t really appreciate scientific inaccuracy. Or sexual harassment, for that matter.
3) Black People Have Six Fingers on Each Hand.
I—I don’t know where this one came from. You would think people would just be able to count the-- you know what, it doesn’t matter. Being the comprehensive journalist I am, I’ve decided to disprove this one once and for all. Here’s a direct quote from my main black source, Chad White, on the issue:
“Wait, what? Six fingers? You f**king serious? You woke me up at 2am to ask me that sh*t?”
So there you have it folks, straight from the horse’s mouth. No more reason to buy your black friends custom-made six finger gloves for Christmas.****
4) The “N-word” is noodle.
I know what you’re thinking. “But Chad, noodle starts with N and is definitely a word. How can it NOT be the n-word?” Trust me; I used to feel the same way. I can’t tell you the number of times I held my tongue and didn’t order what I really wanted at an Italian restaurant just because my waiter was black. And the whole “can I say Noodah as long I don’t say the more hateful elongated form: Noodle” debate is definitely a hot button issue. But rest easy my fellow crackers, and feel free to read Chinese takeout menus out loud in bad neighborhoods without fear of repercussions. Unless you’re reading it too loud, in which case there still might be repercussions.
5) Black people don’t think I’m cool.
This “fact” is a flat out lie. Black people think I’m very cool. very cool.
*not an indication of my sexual preference. Just some “hip-lingo” I picked up from my boys
**I’d like to officially suggest we abbreviate this term to “blacts”. As in “hey, here’s an interesting blact: Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime!” tell your friends.
***no research was conducted of any kind.
**** Also, why are you buying people gloves for Christmas? That’s an awful gift. Why are you such a bad friend?