Kroeber, Writer, Reaper of Corn
(The Grim Reaper walks up to Bill’s door and knocks loudly on the door. Bill opens it.)
Grim Reaper: Hello.
Bill: Oh, hey. Wow, you’re here pretty early this year.
GR: Yeah well, no one can truly predict when the cold hand of deat-
B: Listen I’m pretty set on cookies already, but thanks for stopping by. Maybe come back next week?
GR: I know you’re scared of-- wait, what did you say?
B: I don’t need any cookies. Sorry.
GR: Cookies? Wha- …Do you think I’m a girl scout? You think I’m a girl scout?
B: Well, I mean, you’re trying to sell me cookies so I just assumed th-
GR: I’m not trying to sell you any goddamn cookies! And what kind of f**ked up neighborhood is this where you would confuse me with a girl scout?
(GR gestures to cloak and scythe)
B: Oh, well I was-
GR: I mean seriously, it’s just- like- why would you…? *sigh* just forget it. Listen I’m not a-
B: Well I’m not really looking for a new religion either, buddy.
B: I’m not interested in being a Jehovah’s Witness. Sorry.
GR: You can’t be serious. Are you serious?
B: Yeah I’m not interested in-
GR: I heard you the first time. Does it look like I have a goddamn suit? Or any f**king religious pamphlets?
B: ...no. not really.
GR: Then what makes you think I’m a Jehovah’s Witness??
B: ……..so you’re not a Jehovah’s-
GR: NO, MAN! Jesus! I’m the f**king Grim Reaper!
B: …I don’t really follow.
GR: Grim Reaper? Death Personified? Lord of the Underworld? …No? The f**king Angel of Death?? Seriously?!?
B: Wait, an angel? Like the little flying babies?
GR: What- you mean a cherub? Are you thinking of a cherub?
B: Yeah that’s it! A cherub! So you’re like a cherub?
GR: Well I mean, technically those are angels but I feel like we’re getting off topic-
B: Isn’t Cupid a cherub? The little valentines dude?
GR: yeah I guess he is but- wait, why the hell are we even talking about this?!?
B: I don’t know. So do you need me to sign something, or what?
GR: No man! Jesus! I’m not a- *sigh* Alright we’re done here. Time to harvest your soul.
B: Wait, harvest? Like a farmer or something?
GR: yeah, sure, whatever- harvest grain, harvest cotton, harvest souls. So basically what’s going to happen is that I’m going to hit you with a scythe and-
B: Or corn.
B: Corn. Corn would be another example of something you harvest. You should probably say that instead of cotton when you’re explaining it to people.
GR: …Why the f**k does it matter if I say corn or cotton?
B: Well, I mean, in terms of produce it’s a better metaphor for what you’re trying to accomplish. Like the husk is your skin, and the kernels are like your organs and stuff-
GR: *sigh* what’s wrong with you man? What the f**k are you talking about?
B: -and then like the cob core thing is the soul or something.
GR: But, no one harvest corn just for the cobs. They just throw away the cob. It’s not important.
B: Who, the farmers?
GR: Yeah, or just anyone who eats corn. They just eat the kernels.
B: But it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
GR: Well now you’re just saying random shit-
B: Don’t judge a book by its cover…by its corn, uh corn-book cover.
GR: that doesn’t even- that’s not even a thing, man. Besides, if anything, a coconut would be a better metaphor than a husk of corn. Like, the milk or whatever inside is the soul. The soul in liquid form. …or something like that.
B: And they have a hard outer shell for the body.
GR: Yes! Exactly. It’s like a vessel for the soul juice.
B: Yeah I get that. But I don’t think you really harvest coconuts. I think you just kinda collect them when they fall.
GR: Really? Shit. Well listen, this has run a lot longer than I thought it would so-
B: Yeah, why haven’t you killed me already?
GR: Eh, I have this whole issue with my supervisor. I have to make sure I follow the protocol so none of my clients file a complaint about my customer service. So first I gotta give you the chance to wish you were never born and then I have to-
B: How would I file a complaint if I’m dead?
(Grim Reaper kills Bill)