Bill meets the Grim Reaper (Short Story)

Chad Kroeber, Writer, Reaper of Corn


(The Grim Reaper walks up to Bill’s door and knocks loudly on the door. Bill opens it.)

Grim Reaper: Hello.

Bill: Oh, hey. Wow, you’re here pretty early this year.

GR: Yeah well, no one can truly predict when the cold hand of deat-

B: Listen I’m pretty set on cookies already, but thanks for stopping by. Maybe come back next week?

GR: I know you’re scared of-- wait, what did you say?

B: I don’t need any cookies. Sorry.

GR: Cookies? Wha- …Do you think I’m a girl scout? You think I’m a girl scout?

B: Well, I mean, you’re trying to sell me cookies so I just assumed th-

GR: I’m not trying to sell you any goddamn cookies! And what kind of f**ked up neighborhood is this where you would confuse me with a girl scout?

 (GR gestures to cloak and scythe)

B: Oh, well I was-

GR: I mean seriously, it’s just- like- why would you…? *sigh* just forget it. Listen I’m not a-

B: Well I’m not really looking for a new religion either, buddy.


GR: Wh-What?

B: I’m not interested in being a Jehovah’s Witness. Sorry.

GR: You can’t be serious. Are you serious?

B: Yeah I’m not interested in-

GR: I heard you the first time. Does it look like I have a goddamn suit? Or any f**king religious pamphlets?

B: not really.

GR: Then what makes you think I’m a Jehovah’s Witness??

B: …… you’re not a Jehovah’s-

GR: NO, MAN! Jesus! I’m the f**king Grim Reaper!

B: …I don’t really follow.

GR: Grim Reaper? Death Personified? Lord of the Underworld? …No? The f**king Angel of Death?? Seriously?!?

B: Wait, an angel? Like the little flying babies?

GR: What- you mean a cherub? Are you thinking of a cherub?

B: Yeah that’s it! A cherub! So you’re like a cherub?

GR: Well I mean, technically those are angels but I feel like we’re getting off topic-

B: Isn’t Cupid a cherub? The little valentines dude?

GR: yeah I guess he is but- wait, why the hell are we even talking about this?!?

B: I don’t know. So do you need me to sign something, or what?

GR: No man! Jesus! I’m not a-  *sigh* Alright we’re done here. Time to harvest your soul.

B: Wait, harvest? Like a farmer or something?

GR: yeah, sure, whatever- harvest grain, harvest cotton, harvest souls. So basically what’s going to happen is that I’m going to hit you with a scythe and-

B: Or corn.


GR: …what?

B: Corn. Corn would be another example of something you harvest. You should probably say that instead of cotton when you’re explaining it to people.

GR: …Why the f**k does it matter if I say corn or cotton?

B: Well, I mean, in terms of produce it’s a better metaphor for what you’re trying to accomplish. Like the husk is your skin, and the kernels are like your organs and stuff-

GR: *sigh* what’s wrong with you man? What the f**k are you talking about?

B: -and then like the cob core thing is the soul or something.

GR: But, no one harvest corn just for the cobs. They just throw away the cob. It’s not important.

B: Who, the farmers?

GR: Yeah, or just anyone who eats corn. They just eat the kernels.

B: But it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

GR: Well now you’re just saying random shit-

B: Don’t judge a book by its cover…by its corn, uh corn-book cover.

GR: that doesn’t even- that’s not even a thing, man. Besides, if anything, a coconut would be a better metaphor than a husk of corn. Like, the milk or whatever inside is the soul. The soul in liquid form. …or something like that.

B: And they have a hard outer shell for the body.

GR: Yes! Exactly. It’s like a vessel for the soul juice.

B: Yeah I get that. But I don’t think you really harvest coconuts. I think you just kinda collect them when they fall.

GR: Really? Shit. Well listen, this has run a lot longer than I thought it would so-

B: Yeah, why haven’t you killed me already?

GR: Eh, I have this whole issue with my supervisor. I have to make sure I follow the protocol so none of my clients file a complaint about my customer service. So first I gotta give you the chance to wish you were never born and then I have to-

B: How would I file a complaint if I’m dead?

GR: …….

(Grim Reaper kills Bill)