A Case against Gay Marriage

Chad Kroeber, Social Inactivist, Hater

*First off, let me apologize for the typo in the title of this post, I didn’t notice it until I had already uploaded the article, and I can’t figure out how to change it. But I think we’re all familiar enough with the issue at hand to overlook one little “r” missing.

            I think I speak for all rational, progressive, God-fearing Americans when I say this: GARY MARRIAGE IS WRONG. Let me be perfectly clear on my opinion here: people named Gary should not be able to get married just like the rest of us, because they are NOT just like the rest of us. I don’t want to hear that “people named Gary are people too” crap. They are abominations, and are spitting in the face of years of sacred, Anti-Gary marriage tradition (and once again, I apologize for the misspelled post title, it should read “A Case Against Ga(r)y Marriage” obviously). Anyway, here are my reasons why people named Gary should not be able to get married:

1)      Garys are awful people. Seriously.

I’ve never met a Gary I’ve liked. First off, they’re always way too out there with their Garyness. Whenever I meet one, it’s always like “Hey, I’m Gary, what’s your name?”. It makes me sick how openly “Gary” they are. I mean, I’m not rubbing my Chadness in your face, am I? Have I ever introduced myself to you at a party? Of course not. Because saying your name belongs in the bedroom, not at social gatherings. It makes me sick. Listen up Garys of the world: I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR STUPID GARY STUFF. The only person who should know you’re named Gary is your spouse and your priest.

2)      They dress soooooo Gary-like.

I don’t know about you, but whenever I see one of my bros wearing a lame collared shirt or tight slacks I’m always sure to let them know they look so GAAAAARY. Like, that’s totally an outfit someone named Gary would wear. Anyways, this always gets a lot of laughs from my cool frat buddies and I get a couple fist bumps out of it. But seriously, I could spot a Gary from a mile away. Stupid earrings, fanny packs, name tag that says “Hello my name is Gary” on them. Ridiculous. Normally, it’s hit or miss with those first two, but that last one’s a dead giveaway. I mean could you be any more stereotypically Gary??

3)      They’re really dumb.

Seriously, I was beating up a guy named Gary the other day (probably for one of the normal reasons: being named Gary in my neighborhood, being named Gary in my bar, etc.) and he kept yelling “I said my name was Jerry not Gary! JERRY!”. Haha what an idiot, he didn’t even know his own name hahahaha. Anyway, I’d say about 80% of the Garys I beat up give me some that excuse or some variation of it. And I beat up a lot of Garys.

4)      No one is born a Gary.

All Gary’s are a product of bad environments and bad parenting. Specifically their parents are bad because they name their kids Gary. I mean technically they could still be fine parents like morally I guess… but still. You chose to write “Gary” on that birth certificate so don’t be surprised 18 years later if your kid sits you down and “outs” himself as a Gary. No parent wants to hear their son say those fateful words: “Mom, Dad, my name is Gary. I’ve been a Gary for a long time. Like, literally my whole life. I don’t know why I’m telling you this; you already knew my name, obviously.” Honestly, imagining my future son have that conversation with me is what keeps me up at night.

5)      It’s not God’s plan.

It’s Adam and Eve, not Gary and Eve. That’s all I’m going to say. Actually I’ll say something else as well: Jesus didn’t associate with any people named Gary. Seriously, read your Bibles, not a single Gary in there.

6)      If Garys can get married, what’s next?

Seriously, if we let people named Gary get married, what’s next? Letting people marry animals named Gary? Letting people marry objects named Gary? Letting people draw faces on their hands with their wife’s lipstick, name them “lil Gary” and marry that? I don’t know about you, but I don’t think we can afford to open up that flood-gate of Gary related debauchery. Our society may never recover. So please, if you know someone named Gary, let them know that you love them for who they are, and you support any choice they make in their life. This lie will cause the Gary to temporarily lower his guard long enough for you to kick him in the testicles, rendering him infertile. If we can’t stop the Garys now, at least we can stop them from reproducing, to save our children from the Gary jr’s yet to come.