I, Chad White, am bringing you the best darn ideas for a date night this coming Valentine’s Day.
You know you need my help. I have been regarded to as the Chocolate Paramour De Sexypants. I have the keys for you to open up a world of love for you and your significant other. These tips and tricks are meant for both sexes because I understand women too. I know what you want, babe.
Surprise Date
Pick up your date without their knowledge. Nothing is better than a surprise, unannounced date night! Here’s a list of all the materials you will need:
-Chloroform
"C'mon Dave, I'm taking you to our "date." Don't panic. It won't hurt too bad."
-A Clean Trunk
-Smelling Salt
-Rope
-Chocolate (Poisoned and Unpoisoned)
-A Fancy Restaurant That’s Okay With Hostages
So here’s how it goes down: Surprise them at work by popping out of the office closet. No closet? No worries! Just bum rush them sometime after lunch but before they get off. I’ve been told chloroform helps. Keep the rag over their mouth so that they stay asleep and don’t wake up.
After you knock them out or get them to come “willingly,” dump the body in your car and take them to their favorite restaurant. Use the smelling salts to wake them up but make sure they’re sitting up in their chair. To make them more stable, tie them down with rope. Be sure to also tie down their arms and legs super tight!
You should have already ordered your food because that’s what good dates do. At this point, they’ll be asking a ton of questions like “why am I here?” and “who are you?” and “please don’t hurt me.” Wait, that last one wasn’t a question! Oops. My bad.
Babies
Give your guy/girl the thing they want most in the world: a baby. Now, Cupid is the international symbol for love what with his cute little hair and fat little legs. He’s a baby after all. People love him to no end. There have been many incarnations of the diapered, arrow shooting angel spreading from cartoons to his own late 90’s television series.
Everybody has been exposed to Cupid at one point or another. You’ve got to stand out. You have to get your Cupid noticed by that special someone. I suggest you pay a little visit to your local daycare center to pick up some brand spankin’ new Cupids. The people there have so many Cupids that they can’t possibly notice one or two or twelve missing. That’s right, you’re going to take a dozen. Might as well make that a baker’s dozen just to be safe.
Now grab some paint and paint those babies pink. Don’t worry if they make a fuss just continue painting. Pick up some makeshift wings using construction paper or cut the wings off of a few birds like pigeons or chickens. Buy a few toy bows that will serves as their weapons of love. After the babies dry, head over to your significant other’s place of work or living space. This next part is a doozy if you’re not in shape for it: start throwing those babies. Tossing them overhead is the best method. If your partner really loves you, they’ll catch at least one Cupid.
Home Made Chocolates
Okay. So I could totally make a poop joke here….but I won’t. Go find a decent recipe, ya filthy animal.
A Night In
Sometimes, you just want to have a quiet night inside. Make the love of your life dinner, have some dessert and settle in for a film. Go to Redbox or Netflix and pick a decent film about love. Here are some of my suggestions:
The Expendables
-A million dudes blowing each other up. Sounds like a fun time.
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
-Because, you know how romantic that one scene is. You know which one I’m talking about.
The Human Centipede
-If this movie doesn’t get you in the mood then I don’t know what will.
Black Snake Moan
-Samuel L. Jackson, my idol, helps out a sex crazed Christina Ricci. Hijinks ensue.
Bruno
-A gay Australian fashion reporter telling America that they’re wearing fat wrong.
Anything by Tyler Perry
-Just kidding. I would never make anybody watch that crap.
Cleanup:
I’m sure you’re wondering about cleanup after all the love making you will do. That’s simple: don’t worry about it! It’s not your problem anymore! Those babies will eventually crawl somewhere or the weak ones will wither away. And try not to pay any restaurant you go to. Five finger discount all the way! Finally, give that bottle of chloroform to a homeless person. They could use a bit of luck. It’s the holidays after all.