Report: First Hipster Fossils Uncovered

Chad White, Such A Hipster, Wrote Articles Before You Posers


SAUSALITO – This past Monday anthropologists have unearthed the first known hipster fossils.

The small village of Sausalito, just outside of San Francisco, received a rude awakening as large trucks barraged into town. Scientists set up portable labs around a popular local coffee shop, Taste of Rome.

“It’s so uncool” said Juniper Lee; a girl wearing a dress that she fashioned from curtains and earrings from the 60’s that her grandmother gifted her.  “I mean, why the fuck do they have to ravage the earth? This is totally not chill.”

Current hipsters from all over the Bay area have come to protest the continued digging up of the fossils. They held up signs ranging from apathetic to slightly annoyed.

Scientists did not stop after protests.

University of San Francisco sophomore Kale Henderson is also against the retrieval of the fossils. “I just don’t care, man. Why can’t they just look to the future? They’re scientists for Jobs’ sake.”

Jobs refers to deceased Apple founder Steve Jobs, the hipsters’ lord and savior.