Mass Murder At Puppy Bowl

Chad White, Didn’t Do It, This Time

 

NEW YORK – In the third quarter of the adorable alternative to the big game, a young schnauzer went on a rampage when it lost control of the ball.

The puppy in question, a Little Mister Schnau-Schnau, attacked a small kitten named Johnny Six Toes after the ball was swatted from his mouth. The cat thought it was his turn to play with it but Schnau-Schnau was not finished.

Ratings for the event sky rocketed up to a record 58.2 million viewers, which is a 273.54% over the 12.4 million last year, after the incident was Tweeted about. “The Murdery Puppy Bowl Massacute” was a trending topic within minutes.

Schnau-Schnau went on a rampage as he dismembered 40 of the 66 puppies, 12 of the 28 kittens, and one of the five penguins. Although the Puppy Bowl was filmed in October, we find it odd that the press is just now hearing about the situation.

“That’s some messed up shit, man” said Puppy Bowl referee Antwon Townsend. “I made sure my ass was far away from that damn Schnauzer. When I saw his eyes, I dropped my whistle and ran.”

All of the animals were up for adoption but the few that made it out of the fight were brutally injured and no one wanted them because they were all bloody and gross and stuff. The cheerleader penguins tried to slide away but, unfortunately, the fattest one, Tuxy, was caught by the leg. Schnau-Schnau chewed off the foot of the little ice bird and spit it out. The only thing Tuxy could do was cry in anguish and look damn fine doing it; he’s got a built in tux for crying out loud. I guess he does not have happy feet any longer.

When asked about why this news is only recently coming to light, Townsend responded “shit, I don’t know.”

The owners of the schnauzer rubbed his nose in it to make sure he learns not to do it again. At press time, Schnau-Schnau is in time out.