Study: Your Coffee Poops are Getting Worse

Chad White, Doesn’t Drink Coffee, Makes Poop Jokes


NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – A new study from Vanderbilt shows that your coffee poops are getting increasingly worse.

Yes, all that Starbucks that you’ve been sucking down for the past few years has been affecting your feces. Coffee affects your pooping like this: caffeine is a catalyst for cyclic Adenosine Monophosphate (cAMP) which is a signaling molecule in cells. Caffeine binds to the protein that cuts cAMP so it’s free to build to higher concentrations. Its purpose in intestinal cells is to activate them which triggers more fluid to be dumped into the intestinal cavity. This in turn affects bowel movements better known as pooping.

But coffee only makes about 40% of people poop. And you’re one of those people you sick bastard.

Vanderbilt students have been running the study for months in which they made 50 students from various backgrounds drink three cups of coffee every day for one month. A control group of 50 other students was made too. Students were then asked to monitor their bowel movements. They were told to take pictures, measure viscosity and rate the stench.

The study concluded last week.

“This is monumental in discovering that terrible odor that comes out of your office bathroom after 10 am every work morning” said Dr. Logan Ecckles, the leading experimenter on the case.

The team at Vanderbilt found that over the course of just a few weeks, the poops changed from brown and hardy to lose and a blackish colour. As the weeks went on, the poops became more and more vile.

“It is astounding, what we found. The fecal matter changed not because of stress or environment but because of the amount of coffee ingested” said Ecckles.

We interviewed one of the test subjects. She found it interesting that the reason her poop stank was because of her daily frozen mochochinos.

“Holy shit” said Emily Kinder, subject 08, “No pun intended. I guess I have to watch how much coffee I intake. Or eat fiber rich meals. Yeah, I think I’ll do that.”

To get a look at the poops yourself, log onto Vanderbilt’s school website.