Baseless Theories: Why Girls Don’t Fart

Chad White, All The Ladies Love My Fart Talk, Especially This


Fellas, let’s get real for a second.

You’ve heard the rumor that girls don’t fart. You think it’s all bullshit, but it’s not. I’ve done a ton of research on the topic. In fact, I’ve been compiling several logs of data over the past 2 years.

Heh, logs. However, the time for bowel movement jokes is not now. Flush them out of your system.

Men as a sex are dying out. That’s the sad truth. And the leading cause of our deaths is our girls’ totally disgusting farts. You’ve smelled them before. They’re abominable. They’re vile. They’re putrid. The list of adjectives goes on and on. Okay I actually only have two more…retched and libido killing.

Girls are the greatest thing God has put on the Earth. Without them, I’d be dead. Or nonexistent. But there’s something in their bodies that makes their gasses way more powerful than a man’s. The chemical known as Effluvium X resides in every female’s body. It sits dormant for hours, sometimes days, before it is utilized.

It’s a known fact that women eat much more than men (If you don’t believe me, put up a secret camera in your kitchen and watch your girlfriend or wife continually eat for hours on end when you’re not around). Women have delicate palates but often overcome them in order to fulfill their daily requirements of the female nutrient scale known as Girltopoly. 

But what does this have to do the noxious gases that girls distribute from down under?

Girltopoly compels females to eat this set of food daily:

-13lbs Chocolate

-1 Bread


-(For White Girls): 9 doses of caffeine

-More Chocolate


-(For Smaller Girls): Bird seed

-Ice Cream


Those are the main pillars of Girltopoly. Interestingly enough, it’s not a food pyramid but more of a food high heel. After they consume enough of the food heel, a girls’ body will produce several metric pounds of gas and other substances (yes, girl poop).

Girls will then hold the gases for a minimum of four days to a maximum of twelve. When they are alone (or after the peak amount of time) girls will release the gases. Sometimes it happens when they’re alone; other times, it happens unintentionally when they’re out and about. I’ve even heard stories of it happening when they go to the restroom. That’s why they travel in packs.

So there you have it, gentlemen. You now know how and, most importantly, why women expel their bodily gases. I wish you all good luck. God’s speed my brothers. Be sure to take a gas mask with you on that important date.