Sp4ing Bre4k 2014
Chad White, Doesn’t Have Money For That, Can Get Sluts And Sand In His Butt Any Day
Last week was my school’s (Wooooo! UTC. Dat Chatt) Spring Break. We also share it with UGA (Go Dawgs Brah, like totally), UNC (Go Blue Devils. Right? Right??) and probably some other douche creators. Now, the classic spring break vacation for a college student is to go down to some beach in Florida, buy some booze/drugs, get some girls, and have a good time.
But I ain’t about that life.
I don’t like parties and hate large crowds of people. It’s like just asking to get aids or some disease that is to equal or lesser value to aids. I don’t want aids. So what I decide to do every year is to split time between home (Atlanta: Where the playas play) and Chattanooga (Dirty Chatty). This year, since I have a job and everything, I spent a fair amount of time in Chattown.
Boy was I bored.
I mean, yeah, I watch a lot of TV, play a ton of video games skillfully, maintain the body of a Goddess with a vigorous workout, and write the funniest jokes ever in the world for you all but I need so much more. It was only when I saw a few friends back home that I realized how much I miss people.
But I digress.
In an effort t to continue to impress/entertain, I have replicated some of the fun that you rich kids were having on the beaches. Yeah I’m generalizing that the people that go on spring break are rich. What of it? You can’t do anything over the internet! Hahahahaha! Suck it, moneybags!
-All college students are notoriously bad eaters. Well, all except the ones with an allergy to gluten. And the ones that are diabetic. And the filthy vegetarians. You know what…I don’t know where I was going with this. Anyways, here’s my dinner for the night along with several movies and South Park Stick Of Truth which is available now at your local game retailer.
Got 2 Bad Chicks At The Same Damn Time (AKA 2 Chicks, 2 Holes AKA Gross Chad)
-This was a tough one. These ladies wouldn’t cooperate at first. I had to woo them with my classic Chad White Charm ©. They weren’t having it at first but they eventually came around. But people kept interrupting us; it was all so rude. I wish we could’ve done this in private but these ladies were working and couldn’t leave the job so I just gave it to them there.
-My personal favorite. You hear people say all the time that their friend Bobby is the best bartender or Amy makes the best drinks. To that I say: “Funk* you, Bobby! And Amy can eat a duck*!” I make the best drinks in town. Just look at my fine concoction here. I’ve got some protein mix, Gatorade, milk, water, and a Milo to fulfill my nourishments. TURN. UP.
*Autocorrect: Should say “Funk” and “Duck.**”
Raw Dogging Some Randoms
-Oooohhhh man. This one wasn’t hard. It required me spending several dollars but I got it done. Who needs protection when something is too hot to handle? I barely got it in there but, when all was said and done, everything fit like a glove.
-“But Chad, you’re a handsome, sexy, single black man! You can’t tan!” And you’re a racist sack of dog poo. I should have your head for what you just said to me. I can too tan! I used to get farmer’s tan all the time when I played sports. In fact, when I was younger, I was in a tanning bed when the lights overloaded and, long story short, I was permanently tanned. I used to be light skinned. Now I’m stuck as a perfectly dark chocolate dreamboat. But I’m not complaining.
There you have it, sluts. I can officially have more fun than you. And it only cost me $20. Success!
Who am I kidding? Can I come with you next year? I don’t want to experience this crap again! It was terrible! Please. I’ll do anything.