From the Archives: First Red Headed Child Born, Burned at Stake

While searching through old boxes in an attic of a house he broke into, Chad White discovered something extraordinary: newspaper clippings from the before 1950. It is a well-known fact that there was a huge fire in the early 50’s that destroyed many news outlets and their works. Chad has found history and he wants to share it with all of you.


Smith Danson, 1846

                BENTON COUNTY, INDIANA- Our fine world is going to hell: the world’s first child without normal beautiful blonde or brunette hair has been born.

                At the general hospital, Martha Hoover gave birth to young fire headed Joseph. Hoover’s hair is brown and so is her husband’s. It is believed that God is punishing these two for all of their sins they committed.

                Local priest Jim Smith tells us what is wrong with the child:

                “God gives a righteous judgment to the Hoover family. He tires of their sins and punishes these people by making their first born an unwantable child. Young Joseph is meant to be an outcast in society. He will be a bastard among his friends.”

                Citizens of the small colony of Townsburg are shocked and appalled that this could happen. A small group was formed to lock the baby away. Court hearings have been going on all week to decide what to do with it.

                “I say we hang its head on a pike to ward spirits away.”

                “We need to put it out to sea to see if it floats.”

                “Burn the baby! It’ll cleanse us of our sins!”

                These are just some of the suggestions but ultimately, the last one was the most voted on. A ceremony was held for the burning where townspeople were allowed to spit on the child before it was tied to a large, wooden ‘S’ for “sorry” as an attempt to apologize to our vengeful Lord. 

                Hopefully, that devil headed child is burning in hell with its father, The Devil.