Likes: Working Out, Trying New Workouts, Working Out
Dislikes: Workouts with You, How Fat You Are, How Slow You Move, Lose Weight Fatty
Hates: Trans Fats
Hello people who are out of shape because you used to workout but have recently stopped due to work getting hectic and life getting in the way like your kid’s stupid dance recital that you have to go to but don’t want to attend and since when do you have to record everything because you’re going to be there and you doubt you’re actually going to rewatch this crap except for at Christmas time once because your extended family hasn’t seen it yet but that’s it so you should probably delete it after that day but, oh no wait, Aunt Sherry wants a copy for some reason so you’re stuck copying it for her on some old flash drive that she keeps in her purse for some reason but I guess it came in handy for this situation.
If you know me, then you know I like to work out. I go about six days a week with everyday being different from the last. No two days are the same and no two weeks are the same.
1. Butt Ups – Jumping from your butt to your hands. This one is not recommended for a number of reasons. For one, your butt is nasty. If you move too fast, then everybody is going to be smelling your booty stank. All you have to do is wash that thing. I mean seriously. Yeesh.
2. Dick Press (AKA Cooch Press) – It’s not that hard but you won’t be able to get- you know what? I’m not going there. I don’t feel like telling such a bluntly obvious joke. You know the punch line. I will not degrade myself for your amusement. Just kidding, it’s benching with your dick. I’ll go as far as I want to.
3. Spin Dashing – Curling up like Sonic on a treadmill. This one is just stupid. Who the heck does this crap? Just because a talking blue hedgehog does it doesn’t mean you can too. Plus, it’ll hurt your hands and back.
4. Girl Curls – Curling a girl. Huge note to self: Girls do not like this. So don’t just walk up to a girl and begin curling her. They’ll get all mad and start squirming. It’s really the most annoying thing. So then you have to knock them out so you can get a proper workout.
5. Squarting – Squatting while pooping and farting. I know, I know. This sounds amazing right? Wrong. You don’t want to try this one. It may sound all glamorous but the cleanup is terrible. And the people running the gym get all mad and stuff because their precious floor is “stained with shit. Clean this up now. We’re calling the cops. You are banned.” Come on guys. I’ve never even heard of that.