Chad White, Advice Giver, Dater of a Girl That One Time
Hi. It’s me. Chad White. That guy that runs this site. If you know me, then you know that I am a Casanova when it comes to the ladies. Specifically, the ladies with lady parts. You know the ones I’m talking about. Right now, I’m single. Very single. On a scale of one to Clooney, I’m post Talia Balsam and pre-Lisa Snowdon if there was no Ginger Allen in between. Don’t get to sad; I’m fine. In fact, I’m better than fine. My skills with the ladies go further than meaningless relationships. I generally lend a hand to others who need it most. Imagine my talents as more of a mutant-like ability than a weird understanding of how human relationships work. I’m an X-Man, useless in a fight, but worth more than metal claws and telekinesis.
I always hear my friends complain about meeting their boyfriend or girlfriend’s parents for the first time. The situation always ends the same way: it was awkward; they hated me; her mom kept offering to have the baby. But it shouldn’t be that difficult to find some common ground with your partner’s parental figures. Both of your principles are the same. All you want is happiness for their offspring.
Boy that’s a funny way to describe your datee. Offspring. It sounds so weird. Next time you two are in the heat of the moment, throw that word out there to see how he/she responds. It could either be really hot in a weird, sciencey kind of way or super not what I just wrote.
I digress. You came here for another type of advice (of a dating nature). My job is to guide you through those terribly awkward moments that you have to spend with your date’s family. I know I’m charming enough to get you the help you need.
Seriously, look at this charming-ass face:
Without further ado, I present the perfect (nee only) way to introduce yourself to the parents of the person you’re dating. However, take these words with great caution. My method may work entirely too well and the parents will absolutely fall in love with you. It’s just how it goes at times. :/
Hand Shakes Are the Hand Shakes of Meeting Someone
What’s the first impression that you give off when you first talk to a person? No, not that sexy smoldering look that only Drake and Mel Brooks can pull off. I’m talking about a handshake, dummy! Didn’t you read the title to this section? Handshakes are a guaranteed way for you to make yourself come off as the bigger person. Parents may be a little hesitant meeting the person dating their child, so it’s imperative for you to get the upper hand on them – literally – by shaking their hands before they offer. It’s a dominance thing that was once established in apes centuries ago. Don’t go looking it up; I fact checked it already.
Obviously, this is the part where I falter. Jokes are hard and not everyone has the same taste in comedy as you. A lot of people don’t laugh at the things I say. It only takes the fourth or fifth time of me repeating the joke for it to finally get through to them. Seriously, what the heck is wrong with people who don’t like to laugh? So what if I made a reference to the 1993 comedy film Amos and Andrew? Just pretend you know what I’m talking about and move on.
When you meet the mother of the girl or guy you’re dating, you have got to compliment her. Hair, nails, clothing style; it doesn’t matter. I personally like to choose something random. Go for the way her feet fit perfectly in her shapely shoes. It won’t hurt to mention how cute her butt looks and ask to grab it. Just be darn sure to tell her husband that you have no intention in taking his wife out for a date because of her grotesque features. Whisper that last part. And then ask for a fist bump.
Always sit up straight. I’m just kidding. Sit however you feel like. It’s very important that you put off a good vibe to your date’s family. Walk in confidently but not so much that you look intimidating. If you appear too tough, then daddy dearest will step his game up. This goes for either sex. The papa bear will step up and try to come off as strong as you. At this point, you need to make yourself appear taller. Stretch those arms up high! Open your eyes wide! Talk loudly! RAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!
Control Your Body
Pucker up that butt. For the love of God, try not to let any farts escape your basement. Your stomach growling will indicate weakness. That’s why I suggest eating a full meal before heading over to meet up with the new family. Go for beans, broccoli, and tons of whey mixed with milk. Anything with protein should be good. Make sure you eat as much as possible too for maximum effect.
Finally, it’s really nice to be into whatever your SO’s parents are into. Does dad like football? Cheer for the home team. Is mom a lover of the arts? Talk about Chopin. Are they both fans of foreplay? Golf like no other. Let your imagination take over. You have to be someone you’re not in order to get close to the family. It’s your job to be a chameleon boyfriend/girlfriend in order to make those gullible idiots like you. Younger sibling Johnny could really be into Juggalos. You know that means you have to pack on the face paint! Or how about teenage Suzy and her insistence on knowing about “Aunt Flow?” Time to sit her down and tell her the facts of life. I’d say start with the season one finale of Diff'rent Strokes and work your way through the series from there.
There you have it; the perfect outline of what to do when you meet your significant other’s parents. If this didn’t help you, I don’t know what will. Remember to never be yourself when it comes to situations like these. I almost forgot to mention all of these techniques are useable in any situation when it comes to meeting your datee’s bosses, coworkers, family priests, or anybody really.