How to Make Golf Less Boring

Steven Peeler

Golf is fucking boring. I'm not going to lie. And I really like golf. Well...I usually don't watch until Sunday with three holes left but, I love golf, and a lot of other people love golf too. However there's a reason a majority of Americans don’t like watching golf. It fucking sucks to watch. There's only so much standing around, and watching a tiny white ball go up in the air that the public can take. WE CAN’T EVEN SEE THE DAMN BALL!!! Could you imagine not being able to see the football while watching a football game? You would throw a gnome at your television. I know you would.

So I'm here today to offer some solutions on how to make golf less boring.

To start things off, we need some music on the golf course. Part of the reason golf is so boring is because everyone has to be quiet. There is no reason why there can’t be music bumping while golfers walk to their ball. If a golfer wants to jam to some Carrie Underwood while he walks to his ball, let him do it. If someone wants to listen to some hipster bullshit while he strolls the course, fine. That’s his problem. I'm also a big fan of each golfer having his own walk up music like in baseball.  It will add some flavor and personality to the game and to each golfer. Some possible suggestions for walk up songs include: “I Kissed A Girl” by Katy Perry; “I Knew You Were Trouble” by Taylor Swift; “Since U  Been Gone” By Kelly Clarkson; and last but not least, “Bitches N Marijuana” By Chris Brown and Tyga. But golf can only go so far by adding music to it.

Golf also needs to change the terms used for its scoring system. There’s nothing exciting about a “Birdie” or “Par” or a “Bogey.” They need to spice things up a bit. Even bowling has better names for its practices than golf does. You can get a turkey in bowling, but you can only get a tiny little birdie in golf. My solution is to change the names to more exciting things. More manly things like “Porterhouse” or “Dwayne the Rock Johnson.” Tell me you wouldn’t be pumped if someone got a double Porterhouse. I for one would enjoy seeing Rory Mcllroy make an awesome putt for a Dwayne the Rock Johnson.   I’m down for a hole in one to be called a “Nick Offerman-chainsaw-hammer-rhinoceros-sausage-chest bump-woooooo!”  I can already see the TV ratings going up. But that’s not enough. Golf needs to blow all the other sports out of the water. In order to do this, they need to become more creative.

I'm a big fan of having a trick shot hole. That will be exciting. If Dude Perfect can make crazy shots, I bet these pro golfers can too. Here are a few suggestions: Hit the ball behind the back; Hit the ball blindfolded; Hit the ball between your legs; Hit the ball while a drunk person is on your back; Hit the ball while having elbow surgery; Hit the ball while delivering your 4th child; Hit the ball while having a heart attack; Hit the ball while you’re snowboarding away from the Wicked Witch of the West; Hit the ball while your teaching underprivileged kids algebra. Just to name a few of your basic trick shots. Now while trick shots are awesome and fun, they’re not challenging enough for the golfers.

I suggest that Dikembe Mutombo guard the golfers at the 15th hole. Let's see how good these golfers really are after having to hit the ball over a 7 foot giant human being. If they can do that, they can do anything. Dikembe will be saying "no no no" but the viewers will be saying "yes yes yes." Having Mutombo will for sure make golf more fun to watch at home, but I think golf needs to add some extra incentive for fans to actually come to the tournaments.

I would like to see one of the holes should have a student section like atmosphere to it. In the vein of the Cameron Crazies at Duke. Have the fans be right next to the golfers while chanting personal, nasty things to them. Like “Zach Johnson was a day late on his taxes.” Or how about “Adam Scott more often than not doesn’t recycle.” That will really get inside the golfers heads, and bring more excitement to the game of golf. Now because the golfers will be so mentally distraught by the things being chanted at them, some of their shots won’t go as they planned.

I suggest that each golfer be allowed to throw the ball once per hole. We all have had those moments where we shank one and feel horrible about our game. We just want to throw the ball so why not make it legal for one hole. They player must publicly say "fuck it" and proceed to throw the ball.

I also think they should change the flags at each hole to American flags. Really embrace the American spirit. That’s what the people want. I mean, we put the flag on the moon so why can't we put it on our golf courses? While having the American flag on each hole will no doubt bring in more viewers, it’s still not quite enough to make Golf the powerhouse it should be.

Another thing I would change to golf to make it more exciting is I would get rid of the bunkers. Fuck bunkers. Everyone hates them, so let’s get rid of them. I would like to see them be replaced with swimming pools. That’s right, pools. I hope you can hold your breath underwater Sergio Garcia.  It just adds that level of excitement that golf needs. I think I speak for all of us when I say I would love to see golfers have to go underwater to try and get their shot onto the green. Bringing the phrase “sink or swim” to life. Plus we can get some cool underwater camera from TV and experience golf in a whole new way.  Replacing bunkers with pools will make the game more challenging and exciting, but I still think golf can still take it to a whole new level.

Oh, you think you’re so special Jordan Spieth because you just won the Masters at age 21, huh? Well let’s see you play a hole left handed. How good are you now Jordy? Huh? I’m suggesting here that at least once a round the golfers have to play a hole the opposite way they hit. Let’s see how well these golfers can really play. The ambidextrous golfers will thrive, while the simple laterality golfers will fall.

And what’s with this bullshit of playing on the ground? Fuck it; we are going in the air for a helicopter hole. What could be more exciting than seeing a golfer tee-off from a helicopter? Nothing, that’s what. You better not be afraid of heights Bubba Watson because golf is going high in the sky. After this, golf will be soaring into new heights. But I still think we need some more personality out of the golfers.

A big problem that I have with golf is there is a big lack of celebration from the golfers after they hit an amazing shot.  I want to see golfers flip their clubs bat flip style after an amazing tee shot. Let the people know that you’re a millionaire who hits a fucking little white ball for a living. I want to see backflips after a stellar chip shot. I want to see Jim Furyk bounce on a trampoline, dunk a basketball, chug a beer, tame a lion, and chest bump an alligator…and that’s just when he saves par. That’s the excitement that golf needs. Also, why not have the golfers’ crowd surf from hole to hole. Make it fun and exciting for the young kids to watch.  These are all cool and fresh ideas, but I think Golf can borrow an idea from Football.

It’s really grueling to watch 18 straight holes of golf. So I think golf needs some halftime entertainment after 9 holes. What’s the most exciting thing you can do for halftime entertainment at a golf tournament? Golf cart races. Maybe have some lucky fans get to face each other in a golf cart race around the course. That would be exciting, and it divvies up the long excruciating round of golf.  

So this is for you, Tim Finchem; commissioner of the PGA Tour. But, I don’t really like your name so for the rest of this paragraph I am going to call you Mr. Golf. That is what I thought your name was going to be, and to be honest, it’s what your name should be. So, Mr. Golf I hope you will take my recommendations seriously, and adapt them to your game so your glorious game can be way more exciting.

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