If Videogame Companies were Girlfriends

Chad White, Gamerboy looking for his Princess Peach, She's always in another castle

Ever since I was a preschooler, I’ve spent a fair amount of time in the company of videogames. My first console was the Atari 2600 where I would play the one game I owned: Pole Position. It was the greatest advance in technology I’d ever seen. Each time I loaded the game up, I figured out the mechanics of driving my 8-bit car around the seemingly open track. I was always sure to share my findings with my parents who, grudgingly, watched as I shouted “Look at this! Look! Look!” dozens of times. Eventually, I graduated to a Playstation 1 (aka the PSX for nerds). We had no memory cards and only one controller. The only two games I had were Crash Bandicoot and, eventually, Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back. An entirely new world of actual 3D opened up to me. This was further explored as I received a Gamecube (well after everyone had moved on to the PS2 and OG Xbox). In between the time of PSX and Gamecube, I owned every Nintendo handheld. Then the Xbox 360 was dawned unto me during its first Christmas only to Red Ring on me for a few years. Those were dark days. And now, I switch between an Xbox One, Wii U, 3DS, Nvidia Shiled Tablet, iPad, and Steam with plans on getting a PS4 and Vita. Basically, all of this was to say that I know my games.

E3 2015 was this past week and announcements ranged from amazing (backwards compatibility on Xbox One!) to the wonderful (Fallout 4 release date!) to the slightly disappointed (no way Nintendo can make up for the Wii U but at least I have another Mario Tennis game to sink hours into). My expectations were met, exceeded and broken by every one of the game publishers attending the show. It got me thinking: what would these companies look like if they were human? Better yet, what would they be if they were my girlfriends? I could go ahead and bang a broad or two in Witcher 3 but I’d rather do this.

Note: These are based on this year’s E3 conferences and not any other part of the companies’ careers. This is meant to be purely observational and I in no way would date a company…unless they put out.

 

Microsoft

She’s kind of a bro. It gets annoying a lot of the time but you still like her. Microsoft plays sports, farts and knows how to throw a punch. She’s always been a bit bulkier than the rest but she had brothers so she had to fight for herself. Microsoft isn’t all that creative but she’s really trying to get into JRPGs and “other shit you like.” She doesn’t always work though. Sometimes she throws on her red sweatpants and taps out for a while (she probably overheated. She’s usually fine after a bit). Other times Microsoft goes down for days at a time, not communicating with anyone. You don’t know why this happens but you suck it up and play alone for the time being. When she returns, Microsoft is as brash as ever. Although she only occasionally listens to you, she’s ultimately your halo dawned girlfriend.

Sony

A quirky little thing, Sony is always happy. But, be wary, she’s also expensive. Whether it’s a proprietary memory card or base price for a new console, Sony doesn’t care about your budget and wants the finer things in life. She also won’t shut up about living in the Now (which is also pretty expensive). It gets pretty taxing when you can barely understand her at points. You’re constantly pressing buttons to move forward in the conversation but she just won’t shut up. Sony does have her own specialties though. While you were hooking up, you found a new area to touch that opens the door for gameplay. Sure it’s as much of a gimmick as motion control but she dabbled in that for a while too. Expanding her memory is difficult and she has to remember everything but she’s too stubborn to accept USB memory. However, her promises keep you coming back for more.

Nintendo

This is the girl you take home. She's charming and sometimes outdated in her ways. Kind of frustrating sometimes but you will always love her. Will she ever unify her various accounts? Maybe one day; after all, she finally got into online gaming. She never really takes what you say into account until way after the fact. She’ll hear you and everything you’re saying, consider it for a while then try to slowly implement it into her life. Even then, Nintendo is never perfect. But everything she does, you applaud at for being different from everyone else. She’s the best at what she does.

Bethesda

“WHAT? OH WOW. SIGN ME UP” you scream as Bethesda shows you what she has to offer. This girl is amazing. She can keep up a conversation for hours – even days – at a time, she looks sssooo good, and she keeps you coming back for more.  Yes, it’s true she takes for-freaking-ever in the bathroom but, trust me, she’s working for you. The end product is almost always worth the wait. She even accepts suggestions from everybody. Her friends once told her to shave the sides of her head and put her hair into a shortened Mohawk and you bet your butt she looked as fine as ever. Even though you’ve never actually finished one of her projects, you absolutely love Bethesda.

EA.jpg

EA

She’s very akin to a girl you dated before. She’s very bro-culture. EA looks gorgeous but can also be shallow. She likes all things sports and also dabbles in American RPGs. She knows a lot about space and fantasy but her sports knowledge takes the cake. EA likes cars too. At points, she tried to race but couldn’t tread the ground. She was most wanted at some juncture in her life. EA even tried to capture that same magic again to no such luck. You have to believe she’ll get back to it. EA is very nitpicky often bugging you about the littlest things. “Hey, I just got a new shirt for you. The cost is equivalent to this week’s grocery bill. Srry bro. ;)” There’s no real commitment to her. She’s changed a lot (not for the better) by becoming louder and hotter. You don’t know if you should continue the relationship but EA is always good in bed.

Ubisoft

You met her while traveling abroad. She’s basically French EA. Actually, she might be worse. But she’s hot as hell and you want to hang out with her. She’s all about going places and seeing new things. You’ve been everywhere with her: Jerusalem, Florence, and Nassau while even returning back home to Boston and New York. Your next destination is London. When she messes up, Ubisoft really messes up. Her face has parts missing or she tells the same boring story but she always offers free extra content– even if those extras don’t amount to much. She takes her faults head on and tries to adjust herself accordingly. She apologizes and promises to do better next time. Over the years, she’s gotten more beautiful and substantial but you’re still waiting for another screw up. When she talks in front of your friends, she’s kind of awkward because she doesn’t really know American customs. But you like her for the foreigner she is.

Square Enix

She’s hard to really understand. Square Enix is…different from anyone you’ve dated before. You swear she had to have been two of the same personalities joined together. She’s chalk full of fantastical stories. And, worse yet, they never end. They’re full of characters you don’t know and everything is convoluted. Giant chicken monsters? Men who look like women? Even Disney characters are making their way into her stories. Square Enix can do cool things like hack into your phone from her laptop or stealthily attack you in the shower. She did shave her head a couple of times but she still had a lot going for her. You look past her misgivings to see how strong she can be. Remember when she took you to the Japanese island Yamatai to go caving? That was pretty sweet. You guys are even planning on going to Siberia later on this year. Her stories may be hard to grasp, she may rehash old topics, and life with her may be strange but you still love Square Enix. Why? Just cause.

PC Gaming

She’s be really geeky but pretty cute in her ways. PC Girlfriend tries to appeal to all the cool stuff you like to do like make movies, paint, edit photos, and play games – just all in all trying to be the best all-around girlfriend she could be. PC Gaming can be overly complicated or deceptively simple. Then there comes a time when she can’t keep up. Multitasking takes a huge burden on her. Suddenly, she’s just not that attractive anymore. You upgrade her with expensive parts and she’s as beautiful as the day she was when you started dating her. More processing power and a new GPU allow her to work 10x faster. You fall in love all over again.