Baseless Theories: Taylor Swift is expanding her army for war

Chad White

Baseless Theories is a series dedicated to answering the questions no one asked. Chad will look at everything from top to bottom, hopefully providing very little facts and/or statistics in between. It is meant to be satirical and in no way, shape or form "real." 

 

Taylor Swift is America’s cute little angel. Nashville’s shining country and pop star. The sugar in my water. Or is she? Swift can be seen gallivanting from continent to continent with her now boyfriend Calvin Harris -- the lucky son of a gun -- or singing at various venues around the world. However, more recently, she’s been seen gal-paling with other starlets. And these women are big names too from Hailee Steinfeld to Lena Dunham to Emma Watson. What does all of this mean exactly? Taylor Swift is preparing for war by building an army. The proof is in the pudding, or rather, the sequins. 

"We'll punch the men in the Adam's apple. Then we'll spit on their graves."

"We'll punch the men in the Adam's apple. Then we'll spit on their graves."

First, Swift has become chummy with Lena Dunham over the past couple of years. In 2010, Dunham has credited Swift saying the singer influenced her feelings. The actor went as far to say the two were friends in her head long before real life as she wrote Tiny Furniture and the first season of Girls. From that point on, Swift says that Dunham has equally been an influence on her citing Dunham as the reason she understands feminism.

...and a happy New Year...

...and a happy New Year...

Hailee Steinfeld is another one of the singer’s best friends. They’ve been friends for years, apparently since Steinfeld was seventeen. The two even spent a few days together before Christmas 2013. When asked what the two do when they hang out, Steinfeld replied with normal girl things: “we just bake and talk about boys and stuff and watch hours of cat videos.”  The two also share mutual friends in Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence and Ellen DeGeneres according to the Taylor Swift wikia (which is a real thing that’s NOT edited by me).

Then there’s Emma Watson, a more recent Swiftlordian convert. She gave a speech on feminism and, predictably, some people hated it because it’s about feminism. Swift was quick to defend due to her “fan base of real girls out in the world living their lives.” She agreed with everything Watson said not only because she looks up to the actress but she also started laying down a foundation for friendship. It’s a common practice used by men to pick up women. Say something nice then BAM soon you’re sleeping with a friend. But Swift is looking for another strong contender for an oncoming war rather than a notch in her belt.

The photo seen around the globe.

The photo seen around the globe.

These three ladies, along with Gigi Hadid, Selena Gomez, Ellie Goulding, Martha Hunt, Cara Delevigne, Zendaya, Hayley Williams, Lily Aldridge, Serayah, Karlie Kloss, Mariska Hargitay, Ellen Pompeo, and little known stars Jessica Alba and Cindy Crawford –phew -- are all a part of Swift’s legion of badass babes as evidenced by the “Bad Blood” music video.  A cast like that should not be wasted. Swift gathered everyone based on their achievements. The video even has a story element with the girls led by Catastrophe (Swift clad in leather) as they fight against Gomez’s Arsyn. This was obviously a demonstration of Swift’s power, a war game of sorts. The video was stylistic and dystopian with artistic nuances such as a Tron-like aesthetic and even nods toward Blade Runner. What she can do is not limited to the female landscape, however. Both Kendrick Lamar and Ed Sheeran have been seduced by her electric charm.

What war, exactly, is Swift preparing for? Perhaps she’s making a collaborative album with all of these women in order to finally rid herself of her ex-boyfriends. Maybe she’s set to take on streaming services that don’t pay artists full loyalties. Who knows? “Bad Blood” was a warning. The world will have to roll over and take whatever punishment Swift wants to dole out. Her reach knows no bounds. Within the past week she even recruited the USA women’s soccer team. The ENTIRE team. Things are ramping up now. What will happen in the end, I surmise, will be an event that changes everything. I am offering myself to you, dear Swiftlord! Allow me to prove myself! Allow me to serve you! At least let me be the secretary or something.