It’s the best time of the year: summer!
It’s a great time to go outside so, naturally, everyone goes inside to watch movies for 2 hours. I myself have already seen 3 movies so far this summer, and plan on seeing more. But going to the movies multiple times during the summer can get kind of boring, so here are some fun things to do to fuck with people in the theater.
Number One: Sit next to a random person and pretend like you know them. Say “Hey thanks for saving this seat for me, Fred.” I don’t give a shit if their name isn’t Fred -- just call them Fred anyway. Keep calling that person Fred during the movie, and by the end of the night they will think that their name is actually Fred.
Number Two: Randomly shout out “WHERE THE FUCK IS CHRIS PRATT!??” at least three times during a picture in which Chris Pratt is not starring. He’s the fucking guy right now, and you have a right to be pissed that he’s not in whatever movie you are seeing.
Number Three: Walk around the theater like a vendor at sporting events. Say stuff like “Get your popcorn here.” “Hot dogs here, get your hot dogs.” Bring these items from your house and turn a profit while you’re enjoying the latest Pixar film. Fuck the theater for charging you 12 bucks to see dinosaurs. I can look that shit up on Google for free. But shout out to Chris Pratt though. He can do no wrong.
Number Four: Pretend like you are actually in the movie. Go up to someone and say “Hey did you like performance back there?” “It may have been tough to recognize me because of all the makeup I put on, but I was in pretty much the whole film.” “I didn’t really get along with a lot of the people on set though. Except for Chris Pratt. He was so fucking cool and hilarious. He killed it. That guy is just on a role.”
Number Five: Set up a game of Risk! Or Sorry. Or maybe even Clue. You know what game is also fun? Hide and go admire Chris Pratt.
Number Six: Bring your own iPod dock. Bump your own tunes while the movie is going on. You have a great taste in music, and everyone deserves to know that!
Number Seven: Just stand up and call a timeout. Why the fuck not?
Number Eight: Go to a movie that is based on a book, and bring that book with you to the theater. You will then read the book while the movie is playing. Don’t even bother watching the screen. While the movie is playing, brag about how much better the book is than the movie to the people around you. Tell them how much smarter you are because you read books, and that you would never be caught in a movie theater. Unless of course Chris Pratt was in the movie. Then you would be first in line.
Number Nine: Bring a Slip N Slide. Bonus points if the Slip N Slide is Chris Pratt themed.
Number Ten: Ask to change the channel.
Number Eleven: Give a PowerPoint presentation after the movie, to show everyone what you learned. Of course, the last five slides will be dedicated to how awesome Chris Pratt is.
Number Twelve: Pretend to be a teacher and call on people. People fucking hate that. But if Chris Pratt is in the audience don’t call on him. He doesn’t deserve to be picked on like that.
Number Thirteen: Ask for help on your homework.
Number Fourteen: Bring a printer and just fucking print things.
Number Fifteen: Hand out campaign buttons and act like you are running for movie theater president. For example if you are in theater 5, have buttons that say “Dave for movie theater 5 president.” Make it fun and have a buddy run against you.
Number Sixteen: Host your own movie theater talk show. Ask people questions about their life when they walk by. Ask them about their new shitty movie that’s coming out. Have a house band and everything. Have a special celebrity guest and play a silly game with them that will go viral in the morning. Also, don’t forget to tell mediocre monologue jokes. Chris Pratt jokes are off limits though. Why would you make fun of him? He’s the coolest guy in Hollywood!
So, I hope these suggestions will help you spice things up when you are seeing Jurassic World for the seventh time. And I don’t blame you for seeing it seven times. I once stared at a picture of Chris Pratt for fifteen straight hours.
Best fifteen hours of my life.