Baseless Theories: Asian Restaurants are Fronts for the Mob

Baseless Theories is a series dedicated to answering the questions no one asked. Chad will look at everything from top to bottom, hopefully providing very little facts and/or statistics in between. It is meant to be satirical and in no way, shape or form "real." 

Chad White

You’ve seen them lurking about, staying in your face but out of your way at the exact same time. They look broken down on the outside yet their innards come off as fancy and old school. What am I talking about? Asian style restaurants of course. You’ve seen them. They’re located in the older buildings at random points in town – whether they be near a gas station or in clusters, Asian restaurants are real plagues on the city. What’s wrong with them? They’re the reason why policemen are corrupt; why crime moves silently in the night; why young children fear the boogeyman. I have several theories that may or may not be correct pertaining to the Asian restaurants business practices.

Mob Life

Asian restaurants are, for all intents and purposes, fronts for the secret underground mob. I’m not talking about the Italian “gob-a-goo” mob; THIS mob is the real deal. Let’s check the facts: 1). These restaurants seem to stay afloat with no real income. How often do you see people going inside, sitting, and chowing down on some day old dumplings? Almost never! Perhaps there is a car parked outside of the establishment but that person is either a lost wanderer, a John (we’ll talk about that further down) or a Mafioso who is there to collect his payment and/or instructions for the next hit.

The Mob was getting tired of being perceived as an “only Italian” group so they decided to expand into the world of Asian restaurants. Now, you can find mobsters hanging at City Wok’s all over the country. They park their cars at Italian restaurants down the way and taxi (or Uber since that’s hip now) up to Mama Cheng’s Kitchen where they discuss business and chow down on some friend noodles.  

Superhero Factories

All of the owners of the restaurants are trying to create their own superheroes. These people left their countries as scientists, doctors and other high ranking jobs only to become laundromat owners and restauranteurs. However, in the basements of their businesses, each Asian family is conducting experiments on the human body. Remember the singular car you’ve seen outside? Maybe it’s a mob guy – or gal; I don’t know how it works – or perhaps it’s a test subject waiting to happen. It could be both. Whomever it is, that person is getting sliced up and tested. With what, you ask? Potions, elixirs, juices; everything possible in order to take the human limits higher and higher.

At this very moment, some poor sap is being tortured, most likely unwillingly, with metal objects as the owners poke and prod their subject. The end product is a very helpful tool though. What we lose in a human friend is what we gain as a protector of our city. Has crime recently dropped since Central Asian Cuisine opened up? That’s the superhero testing at work. Sometimes, it doesn’t work at which point the test subject is either killed or let loose on the world.

Prostitute Farm

Ever wonder where prostitutes go during the day? I’ll admit, this is my most farfetched theory as prostitutes tend to live in sewers or curl up into furry balls of sex goo in some dark alley way. But just consider it for a second. That lone car is there at 2 PM well after lunch and very much before dinner. Such tenacity to eating at an Asian restaurant leads to one line of thinking: prostitutes, much like the mob, run their business out of these restaurants. The pimps are just fronts so that Johns are forced to pay the “hoes” (not a word I use but it’s a part of the vernacular).

These pimps and hoes circulate in and out of the restaurant – which is often posed as a family business – with their clients. They then do their dirty work and leave. Ever read a health report of one of these Asian bistros? No you haven’t because they don’t exist. The health department is kept at bay due to the cash flow the restaurants throw in their direction. Nothing is clean and nothing is sacred.

Now, these theories may sound out of this world and it’s because they are. At least one of them is right. You’ve got to give me that.