The Best Daily Go Bag

Chad White

As a writer currently with no job in writing, I have a lot of time on my hands to go between coffee shops in search of free wifi. Being gone from home all day makes me yearn for all of the luxuries that usually come with staying in. Sure, I could stay home and steal my neighbor’s wifi but sometimes, I just have to get out and stretch my legs. And also my neighbor’s connection sucks.

So I force myself to get out of my unchanged sheets, hop into my classic Honda Civic and drive down the street to my local coffee joint a mere 22 hours after leaving that very same location. This bag is the North Face Jester, here’s what’s inside:

  • LG G4- I gotta text my girls. Ladies love me; girls adore me. I mean even the ones that never saw me. Every time I see the barista, I try to get her number. That means at least forty times a day I’m asking this girl for her number.
  • 3DS- Gaming on the go is always a big part of my life. Smash 3DS, Pokemon, Miis and everything in between is very important to me. I’m always sure to sit at the most optimum table so I’m close to plugs and the wonderful barista.
  • Logitech G602 w/ Mouse Pad- A gaming mouse that’s pretty reliable. Plus it can be programmed to reload your open stock tabs so you can stay on top of dat Apple stock. I’m always careful to keep my thumb on the extra G-labled buttons so I can change windows from Reddit to Word in seconds.
  • Beats Solos- I love listening to music as the barista gives me the coldest stare one can receive! That bass tho.
  • Nice! Magic Trail Mix- Buying food at a coffee shop is so blasé. Bring your own snacks for a ton of cheap and tasty protein.
  • Some type of Kale chip from Whole Foods- I just really need to throw these away.
  • Ab Wheel- For the times when you need to get some ab work in but you’ve grown tired of lame ol’ crunches. Find a sturdy floor and go at it. I like to do it by the desserts.
  • Megaphone- You know when the barista has been ignoring you for like an hour? Get that chick’s attention with this. It’s loud, packs a punch and comes equipped with a siren. WEEEEEEOOOOOOHHHH.
  • Trojan Magnum Condoms- Put this baby down on the counter when you lay your biggest pick up line on that sexy barista. She’ll know what’s up.
  • Gameboy Color w/ Pokemon Blue- Catching Pokemon in 3D is great and everything but sometimes you want to see where it all started. Or you may want to teach some young kids a few Pokemon basics. Don’t mind the parents.
  • Trojan ENZ Condoms- Apologize for using a lame pick up line on the hot barista. Once she excepts, slide this baby next to her.
  • Powerbeats 2s- Those Solos weren’t very loud. It’s time to kick things up a notch. Use these when you have to hit the can but want to stay connected to your laptop.
  • White Noise Machine from Bed Bath & Beyond- Taking a nap in a public place can be difficult. Grab a few tables and chairs in order to make a bed. Then plug this baby up and crank it. Everyone loves to hear ocean sounds.
  • AA Batteries- Offer to trade these relics for a cruller. Keep pushing and don’t take no for an answer.
  • A Sucker from Regions Bank- When you don’t get the cruller, whip this bad boy out and get a few licks in. Offer it to other coffee shop patrons.
  • Apple Ear Buds- Your Powerbeats2s have run out of juice so you movie on to another set of earphones. These are always reliable.
  • Go Pro Hero 3- I saw a homeless guy lick his own balls for some change once. No one believes me. With this camera, I’ll have video proof.
  • A Basketball- Cause ball is life.
  • Urbanears Plattan Headphones- It’s time to switch things up. I won these in a contest and feel it’s my duty to show off how dope they are.
  • A Baseball- There are moments when I want to play catch with anybody. Playas get lonely.
  • Moleskin Notebook- I have so many ideas! SO. MANY. I keep my precious plans and dreams in this journal…I mean notebook.
  • Some Paint and Paint Brushes- For when you want to paint and stuff. Creativity is the backbone of this nation. USA! USA! USA!
  • USB Keyboard- Sitting too close to screens can be damaging to your eyes. Comfy in your table and chair fort from earlier, plug this thing in and lean back.
  • PDP Afterglow Headset- Gaming headsets are wonderful because they provide surround sound for a noisy environment. Complete with a mic and wireless as well as wire connectivity, this headset helps me yell at n00bs from the safety of the middle of this coffee shop.
  • Pair of Boxer Briefs- Look. There’s only two bathrooms in this place. And I’m not allowed in the women’s anymore so, when the men’s is taken, I have to have a backup plan in case I can’t hold it any longer. I will not be caught in another awkward situation.
  • Nike Elites Breast Cancer Edition- I want to be comfy and take off my shoes. If I wear thin socks or no socks at all that day, I want to be able to walk around without fear of feeling a spilled drink on my toes.
  • Smash Bros. Wii U- Sometimes I want to be prepared in taking down some new challengers. Did I bring the Wii U with me? No. They should’ve been prepared.
  • Wave Bird- See Sm4sh.
  • Paddle Your Own Canoe by Nick Offerman- I like a good book. Not that good book; this good book. I put this on my seat when I get up so passerby think I’m an educated man. Suckers.
  • Nike Running Shoes- These (coupled with custom insoles) provide bounce for walking around and asking people questions. “Can I borrow some money for a cruller?” “Did you call the manager again?” They’re also great for running away when the cops show up after hour eight. They’ll never catch me.